Love
I feel that I have often fallen in love with the wrong person. Not that the person is in themselves wrong more that the timing is wrong or that the person in question is already loved by another or still possessively marshalled in some way by an ex or that I am in the wrong position to be falling in love in the first place. It’s hard when people can seemingly illuminate dark corners of my life, and breath something akin to kindness and warmth into me, not to fall in love. It’s hard not to let that love take over and dance inside. My latest love is such a case.
When asked how I am I often use the expression all right. “I’m alright”, I’ll say whilst slowly imploding. These words are often in response to the much maligned “How are you?” It is a question I have often used, we all do don’t we? Its use is as much to warm the mouth up for more purposeful banter than for genuine inquiry. It flows easily off the tongue and arrows towards the recipient to anchor them to your gaze and any attempt to start a conversation. People sometimes use the “How are you?” motif to launch their own monologue. This is not a tactic I use. I ask because I hope you will answer and I will listen. In this way I don’t have to worry about what I might have to say or what might be released from the pit of me.
On this occasion, when my latest love asked me how I was during a Skype call, I responded in the obligatory fashion. “I’m alright. How are you?” This normally works well enough. Not on this occasion. My response was challenged, questioned and it was noted that this is what I had been saying for some months without any real commitment to opening up. Fuck. I hate it when this happens. When someone who is paying attention works me out. Now I am looking at the screen and stumbling over my own words to readdress and rephrase the “I’m alright” retort.
The screen is an ambiguous snapshot into the world of another. I have not been alone these months due to this screen yet there are times when I am at my loneliest after looking so attentively at it. There isn’t anything in our universe that has two dimensions. Yet the three spatial dimensional things we see via a screen are flattened into two dimensions. They have no depth. The tools we use during these months remove the depth from the interaction. This is surely warning enough.
However I’ve danced online without stepping on anyone’s toes, I’ve farted during a meeting online without anyone knowing, I’ve dated online and ended up in bed by myself without any regret in the morning.
Through the screen my new love looked me straight in the face and would not let go. How was I? Really how was I? Where does one begin? When I saw a counsellor for a few months I apologised for talking about only myself. Whilst visiting a dietician I fell in love with the person that looked at my food diary and subsequently told me what to eat. When coached I was initially disappointed that life coaching wasn’t about someone shouting instructions from the side lines and that I needed to open up to work things out. I like to think I am a good listener but I don’t like listening to myself.
“Tell me what's going on?” was the persistent line of inquiry. Oh my… here I go. It helps doesn’t it to let people in, to talk, to share, to open up about the big and small things that guide your soul. I felt heard and appreciated and human and loved. Someone asked and wanted to know, really know. Someone was prepared to persist because clearly something didn’t appear right even in this two dimensional form, no matter how much I kidded myself or buried myself in other people’s problems.
Last year before going to Poland to work I bought a t-shirt from Amnesty that champions the slogan – Love Is A Human Right. It is, and who could say it’s wrong and what authority would they have? And so love with the wrong person at the wrong time can only be measured against what I believe wrong to equate to. In this instance there isn’t anything. Maybe the wrong can be held by others. I’ll relinquish those reins for now and compute that maybe love is only ever right.
